'tis the season to be jolly... well, umm... yeah..

Christmas is in like 2 days from now, and as usual in the recent years im really not all that excited. Maybe cause i grew up from it all or maybe its cause i found out santa was not real. I remember the christmas where i got a PS2 as a present from my parents, it was such an epic gift that when i opened it i quickly took the thing outta the box and played tekken tag tournament which my parents bought with the ps2. Since then my gifts have usually consisted of money and clothes. Maybe this christmas ill get a Ps3 since i;ve been sorta hinting to my parents that i've been wanting one, well even if i don't get it, should be alright after all any gift would suffice, since its the thought that counts.

My christmas casual job at Australia Post Chullora finished today, well apparently theres an option to go tomorrow in our contract but i seriously cannot be fucked to be bothered to go work tomorrow. Part of the reason is that im getting sick of the people i work with. They're nice people i admit but sometimes theyre such lazy fucks and it annoys the fuck outta me. Most of the time they would talk and not do work for like 2 hrs and it was like what the fuck. Our supervisor is heaps nice and is really lenient with everything but i think they just abused that leniency too much. Like i admit i sometimes drift off and tend to bludge, but i try my best to work hard and not fuck up. Its annoying when you know theyre just not doing anything and when they tell me " why are you working so fast" in my head the response i would conjure up is " im not working too fast your just not fucking working at all" but i would just shrug and continue to do work. For the past 3 days at work i just haven't been saying anything just going along with my work. When your silent your ears tend to tune in more, or maybe thats just me. Maybe its why i've been annoyed at my workmates. Cause when i don't talk all i hear is whining. " omg this is so boring..." " omg im so tired (note: this is like 5mins into the start of work) " its really annoying when hearing these things. I can't help but say "stfu and suck it up" but then again im not that hero. In the end it turned out alright made like $2100 from working like 18 days so not bad and i probably wont see those guys ever again. Maybe run into them randomly, but yeah for now, time to enjoy the holiday season.

goodbye.

i have now moved to

www.panfra.blogspot.com

Writer's Block

It seems to me i haven't blogged in quite a while. I shall soon.

The End

...

Wow i havent blogged since the 22nd of August, pretty long ago, but anyways decided to blog since i need to clear my head a bit. I need some moment of clarity so i though blogging would help.

A lotta stuffs been happening in the past few weeks, uni exams, living by myself for like a week, then with my dad for a week, mum and sis coming back from philippines, a bunch of inflows and out flows into my life. It's been pretty up and down, and i think now im pretty much on a down. Too much saddening shit is happening. My uncle is in hospital, i remember he called like on Monday asking for my dads number, and i asked my dad why my uncle called yesterday, he told me cause he needed a lift to the hospital cause he was getting operated to get a tumor removed from his brain. At that moment this sinking feeling of sadness just overcame me, i then asked my dad if it was cancerous but he said he didnt know if it was or not. So im just kinda waiting for whats to happen. It's really been bugging me and yeah its kinda stressing me out. My uncle is like the greatest bloke. He's always been so nice to me and jsut been caring. It's just a weird shit feeling inside of me.

Also to add to this, the main reason why my mum and sis went back to philppines was to accompany my grandparents back to Australia, cause they needed help getting back cause my grandpa is sick, turns out a day after they came back my mum was panicking and i asked why, said that my grandpa was in hospital. It's been pretty rough, i should visit him soon but fuck, this has been all too fked up.

I don't know how to feel about things, i try to be happy but i end up being sad. It's really just all confusing and just completely depressing. I don;t know where i stand atm in my life, things have just been fked up. Ive been pissed off lately, i hate texting someone and not getting a reply. I've been sending countless texts to someone over the past week, but i havent gotten one single reply. fuck sake. fml

Anyways i think i better just chill off for now. I'm getting pretty shitty.

Just Missed The Train

Lately i've been really defensive. Just not really opening up or initiating anything. I don't know why but i just feel a bit suss about certain people and i've been feeling overall distant and just weird this past week. Uni's been okay so i don't think its that, Family has been okay nothing really drastic has happened cept im going to be home alone for the next 2 weeks which is going to be pretty good but somewhat weird in a way. Friends, well i've been distant from quite a few, to be honest there are like 4 people i can certainly say i trust with all my heart. I don't know about the everyone else that i consider a true friend, it's just confusing or maybe im taking things outta context but it just feels people have moved on with their lives and i've sorta been left behind or maybe im just one emo whiny son of a bitch, thats why things are like this but yeah i dunno. It's like i got to station too late and i just missed the train.

As i write this blog im listening to Beautiful - Eminem, it's a pretty powerful song. I like the lyrics and the overall beat of it. I like songs that i can relate to, it makes it even more a reason to listen to and just overall chill out to it. I like the intro to the song and i can say it relates to the general idea of this post

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I'm reaching out for you

I miss certain people or just how things were or how they were. I miss all the little things. The late nights up without a care in the world.. *starts dreaming....*

Chasing Cars

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

She Fixes Her Lips, They Always Look Perfect.

Another random late night out with Richie L in the city playing poker. I got home later than i did last night but yeah nonetheless these last two nights have been epicly randomly especially tonight. Just a brief recap of what i did today, i went to Macq Uni to hang with richard during his lectures, saw jay, nellie and david. Hung around there till like 5 and then i convinced richard to come city to play poker. Got there at around 5:30, dropped david off at work. Pretty good times seeing him at work ( background story behind this ) But anyways after that visited garmon, got a map of where the bowlers club was, Went there played some poker then randomly got asked to go to a PRO game. Ended up at some place near central at 10 and pokered till like 1. Then i caught a nightride home. I met quite a lot of people today due to poker. All funny people and yeah i've enjoyed the last two nights quite alot. They were quite long days but yeah such fun times, Though i need a job fully poor these days. I hope davey jones hires me.

These past couple of days i've been thinking about a certain person. I just had to blurt it out cause it's been clouding my mind too much and i haven;t really dnmed with anyone recently about it or about anything really so its kinda gay but oh wells.

oh btw sorry amanda >=[. I feel bad for not replying. Though i didnt get any smses from you so yeah thats gay. I'm sorry!. It feels like we havent talked in ages and yeah =[


anyways i think this blog post is pretty fail. I didnt structure shit properly
i guess im just tired to the max

Our Life is Not A Movie or Maybe

Anyone who can guess where the title of my post comes from, i'll give them something cool.

I slept quite good last night no interruptions after getting into bed and putting spiderman 2 on i fell asleep in like the first 20mins of the movie. I woke up at around 12ish but i rolled around in bed for like an hour and got up. Ate some breakfast made some coffee and now i'm on a caffeine high !

I seem to always feel DNM when no one is really around or when everyone is busy doing other shit its quite sad cause i felt DNM last night and the usual people i'd go to weren't there so instead i caught up with someone on my list and it was quite enlightening. I guess it was good no one was on cause i kinda was able to get to bed quite early and get a good nights sleep.

I think its time to get a haircut. I really want to shave it but like its kinda cold iruno maybe ill just cut it a bit shorter.

The Tide That Left And Never Came Back

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."
- George Bernard Shaw

I came across this interesting quote while i was watching one tree hill season 2 the episode called " The Tide That Left And Never Came Back". It's quite an interesting quote, like losing your heart's desire is obviously a tragedy in itself but the 2nd part of the quote about "gaining it" kind of puzzled me. Cause if you gained your heart's desire, would'nt you be content and be happy ?. For me, to lose your heart's desire is an obvious one cause it is a tragedy if you lose something that your heart so desperately wants, the 2nd part about gaining your heart's desire i guess means that once you get something your heart wants, your kinda adrift or something like that. It's like that episode where J.D ended up getting Elliot but after he got her he realised he didn't want her, so i guess thats a tragedy? i dont now. Anyways i further looked into the quote and i realised a lot of people have different takes on this quote. Some people think that the 2nd part of the quote about gaining your heart's desire is that if you were to somehow get everything that you want in life, you would lose your life's purpose or the pain it takes in attaining your goals and your desires or something like that. Also that gaining your heart's desire is a tragedy because you then know that you are one day bound to lose it. But then again once you gain it, your most certain to never let it go. but then again you might lose it due to death... but yeah. Interesting quote. What are your takes on it?

Anyways i feel pretty DNM tonight. But no one's really online that i can converse with a conversation that flows so pretty fails i guess. I'll save it up for next time. I didn't really do much today cept go to the gong for a family outing thing. Little cousins birthday so yeah. Got there arnd 3ish and like bummed and stuff. Played guitar hero for a while then ate then watched tv then more guitar hero then i fell asleep then i was with my mum, aunties and uncle i the kitchen and they were reminscing about Michael Jackson. Just gathered with them arnd the computer screen looking at youtube clips of MJ's old MV's and yeah interesting hearing all there comments. I guess it all affected them greatly. But yeah they were willingly able to joke about stuff. Like my uncle made me crack up so hard about all the stuff he said about MJ and the meanings to his songs. He means good though just trying to get a laugh outta everyone. He's a pretty funny guy. But yeah after that i watched more tv and guitar hero then said goodbyes and went home. I thought abit in the car for like the first 20 mins of the trip about certain things and i made alotta realisations about life, uni, my future like what i want to do and like just different realisations about different friends and people etc. then i gradually fell asleep and woke up at home. I miss those days where i was like a kid and i'd fake fall asleep and my dad would carry me inside. I tried doing that today but my dad just shook me and told me to carry stuff inside, it brought a tear to my eye LOL nah jks but yeah. Since i got home i've just been on the comp. Watched the ending of superman returns. I didn't quite get it but all i know is Kate Bosworth is so fine.

I should sleep soon. I've got church this morning at 9 and i plan to get up at like 7:30 to eat breakfast and stuff. I think im going out as well after but yeah. I think im going to call it a night and another long post.

Sleepless in Sea...Padstow.

Another night where i have failed to sleep, I went to bed at around 11ish and ended up just not sleeping. For the first hour I just lied there in the dark closing my eyes and did not sleep to any avail so i eventually just turned the light on and turned the tv on and watched a movie. Overall i think i watched 3 movies these past few hours since 11. First i watched Diehard 4.0 then Oceans 12 and finally 8 mile which i abruptly turned off when it got to 3 to see if i could fall asleep. Well it didn't work so here i am bloggin at around 6am. I actually had to get up at 6am anyways for uni today so i guess theres no loss. But these sleepless nights that have been accumulating over the past few weeks are starting to bug me. Even when my mind has nothing on it i still fail to be able to get to sleep. I would just usually close my eyes the whole night without going to dreamland and eventually jsut get up and whatever time during the holidays. Maybe i am growing to have insomnia. Hopefully over the next few days it'll get better and i'll be able to sleep easier cause i don't think i'd be able to keep this up during the whole uni semester.

Anyways i just had a cup of coffee which i hope will get me through this one day of uni that i have this week. I think a large part to why i did'nt sleep last night is cause i was thinking a bit too much. My mind has never been as clouded as it was last night with so many different thoughts. Mainly about uni and my future. Ive become more and more interested in business adminstration over the past week after reading it and its kind of my goal to get through uni and get that. This thought has also made me have a feeling of doing good this semester like i dunno just doing better and trying hard. It usually fades away but hopefully it sticks since i have that goal. But yeah among other thoughts i randomly thought about the names of my kids. Which is kind of random since thinking about that is such an Amanda thing to do. I've concluded i dont really want a really outrageous name for my son. Something like Nathan or something would do. Any common name which i dont really mind. For my daughter maybe Summer or something nice. I don;t even know why im fucking thinking about that. Since its so far off but anyways i also thought about these holidays and what has happened. I guess you can say some drama happened but hopefully ill be able to clear it all up soon since i really miss ginchan and hanging with him and stuff. I guess over the past few weeks i havent talked to him ive kinda felt empty, like a piece of me was kinda missing which yeah was shitty for me. I've been through a lot over these past few weeks, a lot of things have come up and its amazing how i was able to get through it but yeah. I guess i can thank watching movies throughout the past 2 weeks has helped me alot. Kinda really helped me procrastinate through time.

I've watched quite a couple of movies over these holidays and quite a few have caught my attention and i've really liked.

• Memento; this movie was kind of slow starting but eventually i got really into it, Philip recommended i watched it and i thorougly enjoyed how the movie panned out. It was told in reverse order and it had a really good plot and an eventual twist at the end.
  
• The Departed; I watched this movie last night at around 7pm. It's a remake of the HK "internal affairs". I really enjoyed this movie even though it was kind of long. It was really interesting even though i though leonardo di caprio was kinda douche.
• Diehard 4.0; Pretty pro action movie with Bruce Willis, Justin Long and Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It was really eye catching at the start and really just made me want to know what was happening every second of the movie.
• Eagle Eye; Shia le beouf. I never knew he did any movies besides Transformers and Disturbia. This was another movie that was really eye catching at the start as everything seemed to be happening and progressing.
• Mr. Deeds; Classic Adam Sandler, not to mention Winona Ryder looking mega hawt.
• Inside Man; Another movie which Philip recommended. (i should really ask him for more movies) Fuck this movie was pro. Just how it was told, Spike Lee did a mega good job as i was engaged with every scene of the movie. I want to ruin the plot but then again the title itself sort of gives it away.
• Good Will Hunting; This movie made me really ponder. It was a very touching movie. I really recommend you watch it since it's just one of those movies you need to watch that'll make you feel good:)
• Rounders; Poker movie basically. No need to explain much more since i liked this movie due to the fact that it told a story about how a guy makes a living based on Poker. Also cause Matt Damon and Ed Norton do an exceptional job at playing the parts in this movie. If your a poker fan, its a must watch
• He's Just Not That Into You; A chick flick, Though i enjoyed it nonetheless. Kind of gave me insight into certain things
• The Last Word; WATCH THIS GUYS. It's really deep and emotional. Wes Bentley and Winona Ryder are in it. But yeah seriously watch it. Its been one of my favourite movies that ive watched these holidays
• Make It Happen; Mary Elizabeth Winstead <3>
• The Pursuit Of Happyness; This movie nearly made me cry it was just that touching. But also inspiring.
• Get Rich Or Die Tryin; A movie which basically details 5o Cent's life as a kid and how he grew up. I got really accustomed to this movie due to its mega mad beats
• Tagadella Nights; Richard recommended i watched this movie since he finds it to be his number 1 Comedy. Even though he hyped it up a lot i couldnt stop rofling at all the jokes in the movie. Watch it if you need a serious laugh
• Smokin' Aces; Another gangster movie. Watch it. =D
• Oceans 11,12,13; These 3 movies have to be in my top 10 of all time. I just enjoy how the movies are told and how the plot unfolds. My favourite trilogy of movies of all time
• Never Back Down; Amber Heard <3

Thats quite a long list of movies. But these are the movies of the holidays that i liked the most. I recommend you watch them all since i enjoyed them all very much :D. Though i've come to conclude most of these movies contain Matt Damon. He's probably my favourite actor and Mary elizabeth Winstead is just mega fken hot.

Anyways this has been a very long post and it's nearly time to get outta the house and get on a train to uni. So imma get off and get ready have breakfast and etc.

LATERS!

Banquet.

2 days where i had to wake up really early and i rarely got any sleep. I've been finding it hard to sleep lately. Even with the lights off and it all being pitch black i just lie there roll around until i get so frustrated enough that i turn the lights back on and find something to do that would make me tired and id eventually fall asleep.

With uni around the corner like a week from now i just hope that my sleeping patterns get fixed. I don't wanna be sleeping at 3 and having to wake up at 7 just to get uni at 9. Shit times.

As i type i realise i don't really have anything to talk about. My minds very clouded with different thoughts all going in different directions so i'll probably leave it at this.

i sometimes wonder what happened to turk and JD.

=[

Look at my face you'll know the pain is in my eyes.
I need some...
HELP cause its an emergency.
Someone just wounded my heart.
So HELP its like a bad surgery and now its time to recharge.

what a mad song to sum up how i feel.

i don't know what else to say.
i dunno..

Sorry

Sorry

1. 1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
2. (used interjectionally as a conventional apology or expression of regret): Sorry, you're misinformed. Did I bump you? Sorry.

If i got like 5c for the amount of sorry's (?) i've heard in the past few days id at least have $5. Whenever someone says sorry its like a gesture an apology, But to be honest im kind of getting sick of hearing it. 9/10 out of time people say sorry cause they get caught in the act of doing something wrong. People only truly ever say that they are sorry when they get caught doing something wrong or like feel bad about doing something wrong so in turn they apologise.

Sorry has been said to me over the past couple of days for a number of different things like in all honesty yes i do believe that their sorries were sincere but like sometimes i think why say sorry then have nothing to say after it. Like you say sorry but like it kind of doesn't really help the situation. It may like easen up the pain or whatever there is but like what do you do afterwards. There is still kind of no solution to whats happening.

Maybe im just becoming cynical or some shit. ( i think i just contradicted to my main point).
Fuck i dunno. I just want to scream out loud.

I havent slept in approximately like 68 hours. But im slowly dying out so ill probably collapse on my bed soon. Maybe ill fall asleep and never wake up..

I can't help but have this sinking feeling in my chest. Its like eating me up inside. Im feeling all these emotions. Mostly like sad shitty ones. I feel so stupid and i feel like such a fool. I feel so confused and so lost in a neverending amout of questions that dont have answers. I feel a slight bit betrayed after thinking about it and also feel like i was just left out in the dark. i feel... i just feel shit.

Enough For Now.

Thanks to richard i feel a lot better.
so thanks alot rich boy your the best <3

but yeah ive realised alot from my conversation with him about the whole situation. And like how things have gone and just realised some stuff i did and yeah.

thanks richard.

You Shook Me All Night Long. PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA

For the last 5 days ive been out and about, constantly waking up mega early and getting ready and leaving the house at around 11. Such a change from the first two weeks of holidays where all i did was sleep all day and just be bored of life. I'll just basically recap what happened the past few days

Wednesday - Me and Richard went to Burwood RSL to play some poker. I did pretty alright and played my cards but in the end i guess just wasnt my day. On the other hand Richie ended up coming 3rd it was pretty gold. Anyways after it i went to the city as usual and hung out with Bill Garmon Richard and Chris. We went to charlie chans first and bruce came drank a couple of beers then watched origin. The atmosphere wasnt as good so we ended up going Cheers Bar and watching it. Pretty sad though NSW lost so its pretty douchey but yeah. IT was a good night just hanging and chillin and watching white guys rage and stuff pretty funny. Got home at around 11:30 that night.

Thursday - I went out to bondi to get AMANDA's present at build a bear. I woke up mega early at like 8 so i could get there early to avoid the whole rush of people shopping. Leith tagged along and took me like a hour. Got there at 11 met up with leith went to the shop got the present and yeah i didnt wanna hang around cause i was mega tired so i went home and jst slept all afternoon.

Friday - Amanda's birthday thing. Again woke up mega early due to another like busy day. Got to city at around 10:30 to see Garmon then went off and trekked it to Macquarie. Macquarie is a pretty pro place. but yeah it was quite alright, just a pretty chills out day walking around and talking and yeah. The night was kinda fked up but yeah..

Saturday - First time i woke up quite late like aroudn 2ish. But i was going out in a hour so i just rolled arnd in bed then like got ready and went to burwood for poker again. I was doing alright but eventually died. But yeah ill just fast forward past poker at philips to after it where me, Roger, Philip and Richard just stayed back and talked for liek 5 hours. like literally 5 hrs from like 3 to 8 where we talked abt movies, conspiracy theories, aliens life and all this random stuff. I liked that 5 hour chat it was very like relaxing and yeah just like talking with them and catching up it was pretty funny. We went to 7/11 before and got like some ramen and chocolate and cooked it at philips and ate while we talked. We talked about the randomest shit but like yeah i like these times. Pretty relaxing times and yeah. Talked about heaps of movies that im gonna download like tonight. Got me pretty excited but yeah. Anyways i got home at 8:30 in the morning and just collapsed and slept and woke up at around 3.

All in all from all this ive come out with like a sickness and ive like lost my voice. So kinda mega sad but yeah i really liked just hanging out for these days it really got my mind of things.

After reading Garmon's post i think overall ive kinda matured and become a bit more serious about things. Like i remember talking at Philip's about like how sometimes we're idiots. Sometimes i like being the guy who makes everybody laugh, it's such a good feeling just seeing people smile and stuff. But yeah i think over these last few weeks i've kinda become more serious about things but then again i still loosen up and joke arnd and be sucka so its all good.

but i dont know i don't feel all the right at the moment. It's still kind of just bleh...

ANYWAYS

happy birthday amanda. =] hope all your dreams and wishes come true. LOL so douchey but yeah i was gonna txt you at 12. but i didnt wanna be cliche so i txtd you at 8 in the morning when you were like sleeping to be cool.



laters.

Hot And Cold

I don't get you at times. Sometimes you really confuse me.
Do what you gotta do. live your life the way you want it.

anyways to be honest i feel pretty down at the moment. fml.

Insomnia

Sleeping at 4am everyday isn't really a good thing. One it is very unhealthy as like i eat dinner at like 8 and i have no food till the next day when i wake up at 3 and Two that i wake up at 3pm the next day and like most of my day is gone. I don't even know why im up that late. I tend to get off the comp around 2:30-3 ish and somehow kill time till then in my room whether watching a movie or playing ps2 or just lying there thinking i have insomnia when i don't.

I've been out two times these holidays, Poker at rsl and basketball today. Time flies by when your like staying at home doing nothing but sleep, its already been 1 week of my holidays gone by already. Pretty fails i feel like i wasted a week just lagging around.

I feel quite shit at the moment. Not mentally but in the physical part. Playing basketball today for the first time in like 3 months really took a toll on my body. I feel mega fucked up my arms and legs are aching to the max i just feel so lazy and like feel like jelly sort of. Hopefully ill heal by the time i go job hunting on Tuesday.

Samantha noticed it that i havent been full happy lately. She explained it as things havent been lifting for me lately. Funnily enough lately ive been feeling kinda like i dunno just like i havent been entirely happy but i havent been sad. I don't know i guess theres somethings i would like to get off my chest, not now but later on.

anyways nothing much else to say.

tillz nextz timez.

laters.

Ghost In The Rain.

You can't really help someone if they don't tell you whats wrong. You just gotta wish them the best and hope things turn out alright for them. But then again whats the point of them telling you something is wrong and not explain the situation. It's really confusing cause your trying to help but you just know anything about it so its just best if you listen and just wish for the best for them.

It really annoys me when im asked a question and i give an honest response and then after be called a liar. It really just bothers/cuts me cause i was giving an honest response/opinion and just trying to help them out.

They say the nice guy always wins in the end. But then again where is the nice guy to be if his help isnt needed.

On another note Supernatural is the best i've managed to catch up to episode 18 and its as good as it can be. Such a mad show.

As for my holidays i havent been doing much but staying at home catching up with supernatural, lazing around the house, sleeping and being nagged by my mum to get a job and do something productive. I should go out and do something soon, i think im going to apply for woolies and see how that goes

anyways thats it for now.

laters.

Interrupted Conversations

Tis quite cold at the moment so ill probably post this at a minimum. Quite an alright week i guess. Finishing exams on Wednesday and also sleeping over at Garmons. Pretty good shizzle. Got to make a bunch of uni friends as well which i find weird, i had all semester to go out and socialize but didnt cause i was rarely at uni but during the exam period after hanging with Tony i made a whole circle of friends which is kind of just letting me ease into uni a bit more. and yeah sleeping over at garmons was pretty alright had good conversations late in the night and having sucka times. I travelled home in the morning on Thursday got home and found out no one was home stayed outside for like 2 hours texting people but no replies FAILZ but then yeah dad came home and just relaxed. home sweet home. it was sweet being home just felt so much more comfortable and yeah didnt do much but sleep for the past few days.

It's been quite fucken cold these past few days i remmeber in the mornings at garmons when i showered in the morning it was fucken cold and its been quite cold these nights its pretty winter now.

as for the title of my blog i guess it speaks for itself.

anyways i think imma sleep now pretty tired.


laters.

Random Clutter

Its annoying when you keep knocking on the door and you don't get let in. It's like being left out in the cold, you feel shit inside cause your not let in when others are. It's a hard thing to do to think about whether or not you persevere with knocking on that door in the hopes of being let in or just give up and just move on with your life.

Being left out in the dark is a shit thing. Whether or not one of your friends won't tell you the whole agenda or the fact that your juts not considered as close as you thought you were. For me it feels really shit cause i like to help and it just sucks when your trying to do your best to keep something going on but in the end you just get the door shut on you.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” In some ways i agree with it cause i sometimes put up walls for even those the closest to me. Being guarded is good at times, you find out who really generally does care for you, its also a bad thing in some ways as you might drive people away.

Emotions are sometimes hard to deal with, you don't know whether or not to let them out but if you keep them in you end up just fucking yourself over. So what do you do?

anyways thats all i've got to say
my minds gotten quite blank after writing this
so till next time

laters.

Excuse

Have you ever had that feeling where before you sleep you think and you think of that and when you wake up you think about and you just smile?
I go to sleep every night thinking about and i wake up every morning thinking about. It's a good feeling i admit. I haven't really felt this way in a while. It's been like a year but to feel it once again it feels good.

Anyways i needed to get that out cause it sucks keeping it in, it sucks like keeping things in cause in the end it just builds up and your just gonna implode and hurt the people around you.

I;ve been listening to this jay chou song endlessly since Garmon that fucker told me to listen to it this arvo. It's a pretty sad song and its making me fully miss people randomly. Even though i dont understand the chinese lyrics garmon got me the translated bit and its pretty deep. It nearly made me cry just listneing to it with my mind being blank and just sitting here FAHH

anyways i thought this post was gonna be deep but it wasnt really
and i feel pretty fail.

haircut 2mr.

laters.

Rooftops And Invitations

its like 2pm or something and i just like officially woke up properly but it feels like its mega late arvo and i have done jack shit all day ! FUCARRRRRRRRRRRR. i need to finish my essay today 1200 words on something about inter cultural communications. Anyways decided to hop on and post about my day with that doucheface kid amanda yesterday.

My memories a bit clouded but thats probably cause i woke up pretty stoned and out of it but ill try my best to remember what happened yesterday....

I woke up at like 9:30 cause my alarm went off randomly and i like rolled around in bed for a hour and finally got outta bed, showered ate and got a lift to the station from my dad. Was at the station at around 11:30 or something. Trained it did the usual change at central and yeah got to parra at around like 12:45 or something. didnt wanna disturb amanda cause she was probably still shopping or something so i just walked around parra for like 15 mins then texted her, she told me to meet up at the staion, i waited there for like 10mins....... then got a text to go goldmark and yeah walked all the way up there and me up with amanda and her friend jono. fuck that guys tall. i think hes taller than alias. i wonder if he plays bball, we could probably recruit him. But anyways walked for a bit and it was around like 1:30 when we dropped jono off at the station. We walked up to the cinemas and like we missed what we were supposed to watch " ghosts of a girlfriends past " so we ended up not watching a movie and went to borders where amanda read her beloved tashi books. anyways after a bit cause i wasnt really doing anything we left borders and i think we walked and talked then went to the rooftops and just talked about random stuff and admire the parra view. I folded her a paper crane while we were up there, but she called it ugly and didnt appreciate it much so like fuck her LOL. anyways we saw some bus called " the loop" and amandas like lets catch it so we trekked it down through the myers stairs. fuck that shit was trippy i got mega dizzy at the end cause it was countless stairs going in spirals. Anywyas we got to the bus stop where the thing was and we waited took some random pics and got on and talked about like hsc and shizzle. The bus trip felt pretty long but wasnt really and before i knew it we were back at parra station.



Amanda wanted to go to max brenner to get some chocolate thing so headed there. She got it and i was pretty hungry so we went to maccas. Ordered something and sat and ate. Amanda let me have some of that chocolate thing she had (forgot what it was called) it was pretty nice but so rich in chocolate i dunno how she tanked taht shit but yeah anyways i dont know how but we had a mad convo about random shizzle like talking about like celebrities, taylor swift? random songs, interests, i dont know like what we want in a guy or girl. It was a pretty awesome convo had a few mad laughs and a few mad random bits of awesomeness but yeah. We spent a while in maccas and it was around 5 so headed down to the station and waited with amanda till her bus came. Took some more random pics which ill upload then her bus came and said goodbye and yeah, caught my train to the city and yeah =]

Awesome day i must admit, but theres more cause i went to city hung out with garmon leith and bill. Played some zombies, fuck that shit is trippy then headed off home.

Good times hanging and yeah.

ANYWAYS I HAFTA START MY ASSIGNMENT FUCK!!!!!!!!!

laters.

ps. i fully need a haircut. fah..

This Appointment

Disappointment comes in all shapes and sizes, whether it be the lack of a conversation, the realisation that your not doing as well you thought you were at uni or just the fact that things didnt go your way or finding out something youd rather not find and just making yourself question that person. Disappointment is a really shit feeling, its like your frustrated at the fact that you werent given a chance or that people misinterpret the things you say. I've been talking to richard for the past 2 hours or so since we didnt go state, just talked about random stuff and i started to tell him how i felt like the disappointment and frustration. He basically told me "why bother?" Its almost like he knows how im feeling. After talking to him about everything he gave me pretty good feedback. Im glad to have him as a best friend but yeah it suprised me though cause i never really talked to him about this stuff but the way he opened up to me really made me appreiciate him and yeah.

I don't know if im feeling disappointed at the moment, i just feel like i don't know anything or know whats going on. Its like a semi-weird feeling where you just drift out of reality and think of what could be and what it is at the moment. It's really kind of confusing.

I've been listening to Yellowcard for the past hours. Pretty classic stuff maybe its gotten me in this frame of mind. who knows.

Anyways this is like my 2nd post in the span of a few hours, which means im mega procrastinating and i should get off. I'm not sure if it made sense. I hope it did.

Disappointed francis signing off.

laters.

ps. i need a haircut? to shave it all off or not?
pss. what a mad pun title

Heard em sayyyyyy ! !@

Listening to a gold old song by kanye west and adam levine from maroon 5. Heard em say seems like sucha peaceful song and it seems like such a perfect song for a quiet day like this. I'm home alone at the moment and im finding it quite peaceful, getting some study done in between the delayed msn replies and the random urges to just go on facebook and tweet on twitter im finding it very calming to be home alone listening to this song and just vibing on its mad peaceful beats. I kind of wonder what the song heard em say means, for one im the type of person who kinda takes notice to lyrics more than the beat cause i sometimes can relate to lyrics of certain songs. All in all if the song sounds good to my ears then ill love it to the max.

Anyways i dont really know why im posting, i think im just generally procrastinating, i woke up quite early today like at 10, i was supposed to go state with richard and i wake up called him at like 10 and he didnt pick up so i was like fk this, i was extremely tired i ended up sleeping at like 4 or something watching Oceans 12 in my room, quite a good movie i must admit its like the 4th time of watched it. Its got like a mad twist but yeah. Anyways yeah woke up at 10, called richard but he didnt pick up so i just curled up in bed again, i lied there for liek 15mins thinking about what to do today but then i suddenly just went back to sleep, woke up at like 11 something and got on the comp and did what i wantd to do for like a week, which was download all these lecture slides, it took like 20 mins and it was arnd 11:45 and i went back to bed jsut to lie there and feel warm with my electric blanket. I started to remnisce of all the state times i've had, just remembering the random times with richard, how this shit chick kept walking up the stairs up and down, like if youve ever been to state those stairs that lead to the bottom they make like a big noise if you wear some kinda heels but yeah she kept walking up and down, and our friends that were there were mega complaining so me and richard ( mostly richard cause i egged him on) we sat like a table next to that girl and richard just stole her pencil case, and shes like " um excuse me" and richard sat there quietly smiling with me and then shes like " what are you doing" then me and richrd explained it was annoying that she kept walking up and down the stairs, then outta nowhere she chucked the biggest spaz and me and richard got owned. After like that we went back and jsut did our work but it was the biggest wtf moment at state but still pretty gold.
Also me and richard's random energy drink adventures, cause i used to go state pretty early but with minimal sleep, me and him would usually just go out and get like V or Red Bull, pretty fails though since state library is in the middle of nowhere, but yeah we spent like 2 hours at most just finding an energy drink andcoming back doing minimal work. Even though i didnt really do as much work as i wanted to do at state i enjoyed those times, theres too many memories to explain, good and bad ones, maybe if you ask ill explain them to you one day but yeah. State libary times were the goldest days out of hsc period.

That was a pretty long remiscing phase but yeah. I guess the songs im listening to are making me reminisce.

FAH ocean avenue sucha tank song. its so classic.

Anyways my minds pretty blank now so i think its best that i get back to studying and revising.

laters

Whats Changed?

zomg its my 150th post on this blog, how pro. Anyways i just got home from hanging with the f5. Just did the usual went to the mandarin club with bill so he could gamble, he won like $50 today which was good while he was gambling i just told chris about what was going on these days and yeah me and him a good talk about things. Anyways after drinking some coffee and scabbing some free cookies we headed up to Pho Pasteur where we would be joined by Leith. Bill shouted us all food since he won money which was good. Thanks bill! but yeah we took many gay photos which chris hopefully will upload on facebook if he makes it out alive. Anyways after we just went Wembleys and snookered it up and not long after Garmon came and chris left when he came to attend to some "business" anyways after cracking mad jokes and getting some balls in.... leith won cause he was a sucker but yeah we went to hungry jacks garmon and leith got osmething to eat then went home.
Overall a fun night out which i needed since i just wanted to get out of the house.

Anyways after talking to chris i feel more confident i guess

anyways since its holidays now i guess as usual heres a list of things i need to do next week and so forth in the holidays
*study
*i think movies with amanda?
*visit high school with garmon and leith
*Catch up on sleep!
*finish off BAS if it isnt finished yet.

anyways my hands are getting cold.

laters.

Break Of Dawn

I woke up at around 5:30am today or something and i dunno why i went outside my room and my mum was about to get ready to get to work. Weird habit of mine is i wake up this early sometimes i just go out and get a drink of juice or something i often need something sweet to drink, prob due to my retainers making my mouth feel dry but yeah. Anyways after that i crawled back into bed hoping i'd get back more sleep but i didnt. I ended up just lying there for around like 5 hours thinking randomly about stuff. I didnt wanna get out of bed cause it was like mega cold so i just snuggled up and just lyed there thinking about the most randomest of things. I finally got out of bed to the sound of the dog constantly barking i got up and saw a bunch of guys working on the oven making a lot of noise so i ended up on the computer blogging this.

Time seems to be going so slolwy lately, well to me it kind of has. its weird coz i feel that like at least half a hour has passed by but when i look at the clock its only been like 1 or 2 minutes. It's weird at times id sometimes find myself at the computer just sitting here doing nothing but just thinking. Not even paying attention the computer screen i'd just tilt my head or something and just think. Ive been doing that a lot lately, randomly thinking about stuff. Its kinda good at times but kinda bad when you just reminsce or you think of something that bothers you. Its almost like im sitting, waiting, wishing.

anyways imma be off basketball is on.

laters

ps. what jack johnson song reference did i put in this blog?

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

As i walked around the city with my best friend in the rain, it was somewhat peaceful but also somewhat reflected the mood that was in the air. As people ran through the rain and some people just camly walking through i felt the mood was somewhat just down and sad. I had a pretty good deep and meaningful with Garmon today. Though as i waited for him to finish work during that time of quietness i thought and reflected. In the morning got a phone call saying my uncle was in hospital and was in an induced coma and this was the cause of a roller shutter door just coming down on his head and cracking his skull. At first i was in shock and wasl ike " fuck.." but then i kinda got a bit better and throughout the whole day on the way to uni and way back to city i was fine until that moment in garmons shop where i started to think about it endlessly. I felt kind of bad when i got home parents said they went to visit and my grandparents were going to philippines today i feel bad that i wasnt there to bid them farewell. fark...

What i got out of this night though was good. I got to talk to Garmon about most of my problems, Was able to get some insight as well which was a great help and kind of put me at ease at the moment. I feel randomly hyper at the moment which is weird cause its mega cold but like i dont know im chattering away on msn like no tomorrow. I feel like playing basketball as well. fark.

anyways nothing much else to say.

laters.

Tonightless

I've been listening to "tonightless" by Eighteen Visions and after listening to the lyrics quite carefully its quite a emotional song. Am I gonna be tonightless again?. pretty yeah. got me thinking about stuff ( as usual ) although its quite emo i guess im fine at the moment just chilling. I can't really be bothered doing anything at the moment, i feel somewhat lethargic which is bad cause i really need to get down to work and study for finals which are in 2 weeks from now.

It was quite a very shitty weather day i guess though walking home in the rain and like walking and jumping in puddles no matter how cliche that sounds was fun. Just listening to certain songs on my ipod and thinking, i really like it when im like alone sometimes listening to music it really gives me a chance to clear up my thoughts and just think about random stuff but other times it just sucks knowing your alone and i guess that tonightless song reinforces that Am I gonna be tonightless again?

anyways thats it for that post
tomorrow is my last ever tute for semester 1 of uni. fun fun. then i think im gonan go city to get a beanie and also a virgin sim then spend a night out with my lover garmon. <3

laters.

update

FUCK OH MAN JUST REALISED SOMETHNG FROM WATHCING SCRUBS. gawd. pretty interesting but yeah makes me smile =] kinda :D

Finish Line

For some reason i always come short of the finish line. Whether this in a sense where i never finish the race i started or whether its just there's always obstacles or happenings that happen that come across my path that don't let me finish the race. These first few lines have much relevance to whats happening at the moment or whats been happening or something like that and i think only 2 people would be able to get me when they read this, if not then bummer. But yeah i'm having one of those nights where that sinking feeling of sadness just overcomes you. I dunno im listening to " thinking of you" - Kate Perry. I don't know why im listening to it but i mega like it. what a pointless piece of information.


Anyways richard asked me earlier tonight if i wanted to all nighter with him, being the random impulsive on the go spontaneous guy i am i agreed. To avail i don't feel tired at all so i guess operation francis and richie go all nighter is working. I kinda hope to do part of my essay and get something out of this night.


anyways i'm not really in a mood to post, i just wanted to post something to kind of vent but yeah. I'm having a conversation with richard now and hes making me feel better. Just talking bout how life would suck if we didnt have our friends like i said something about how life would suck without garmon or richard or any of my close friends. Just thinking about it gets me more sad, i should snap out of it.

anyways theres a hidden message in this blog. have fun finding it.
once upon a time a girl and a guy rode the ferris wheel at darling harbour. to be short, the guy had a good time and he hopes the girl did too(?).

laters

.
the caption in the photo is " the irritation of not being able to grab what you desperately seek for"

what is its relevance? who knows? i do =D

The Day I Lost My Voice

if anyone can guess who sings the title of my post, like who its by ill shout them something cool =]

anyways after spending the whole day kinda like napping and mirco napping ( sleeping then waking up checking the comp then going back to sleep) i finally woke up refreshed but still a bit sick. In reference to my title my voice is pretty gone, its kinda like it hurts to talk so i refuse to talk now. hopefully it gets better. i guess staying out in the rain at central station at 3am waiting for a nightride to padstow isnt a good thing. why was i at central at that time? well i was at bsxc at home night club last night. Overall i didnt really enjoy it much, it was okay but i felt like an old man among a sea of young kids. As i felt tired and my legs felt numb after dancing for a hour i just collapsed onto a chair, then alias pulled me back. it was quite tiring and i was just not into it. I was just nto feeling up to it and i think i went for the sake of just going. At The start alias and richard couldnt get in coz they were like "tipsy" or something and this gave me some time to just randomly check the place out. it was okay but then when people started randomly going in it got more and more packed much to the extent where the dancefloor was like packed and yeah i just headed up upstairs for a chillout. I thought quite alot, kept wishing i was at home just chilling out and chatting on msn. no wonder how lame it seems i really wanted to talk to certain people(or person...? who knows.) haha but yeah anyways the night came to an end at like 2am i headed out and got a call from chris telling me what happeend and to visit him, being the cool guy i am i headed out by myself and said goodbye to andrew and alias who were cabbing it home. as i walked through the cold winds and the slight drizzles i started to think again, i kinda got a bit sad i dunno why by i think the night was just meh and just thinking abt random stuff was like getting to me but yeah i got to central at arnd 2:30 and just chilled with chris and david then at 2:45 decided to wait for a bus at central. david left first then chris did then i waited till 3:14 for my bus. got home arnd at like 4:30 and went straight to sleep. i

overall just one of those nights i wasnt up to. i felt too old just being too tired and stuff. i really needta just settle down and study finals in like 17 days or something.... but yeah i didnt know why i was there last night pretty random but oh wells its over with and i got a bit of fun out of it. i think i was trying too much to be happy about it when i really didnt wanna be there. but yeah alot of random things happened like richard didnt get into the club which was quite sad and yeah.

the lakers also lost today. im fucken sad over that =(......

i need a hug or something

laters

ps. atm richards talking to me about nostradamus (dunno how to spell) and hes saying how the world will end on DECEMBER 21 2012. it kinda freaks me out how that guy prohpeszied this stuff and now its just making me think of the future all over again. sad times.

Wordplay

To be honest i dont feel like blogging atm, im quite tired and its quite late.. wait no wtf its not its only 11 but yeah. im quite sick i keep waking up with a really sore throat which is quite weird coz i dont sleep awkwardly and i dont like eat anything before i sleep which could result in that, so i just hope it's something that would pass but yeah.

Anyways nothing else to say. May thats the month right now. Also its quite cold at the moment. Nothing really is happening as well. Dunno why im still up, Ah well. Who Knows. But i think its time to just go to bed. Let me tell you one more thing. I put something in this last paragraph. It's kind of a riddle. Except i dont think youll get it. Youll be wtf though when you realise. But Then only to notice that it wasnt the answer to my riddle. Understanding this will be the hardest thing, since its all jibberish. :D

laters.

ps. you wont figure it out :D

Snow ( Hey Oh )

After finishing watching the Last Episode of scrubs ever a few emotions came over me. Sadness for one as the end of a tv series which i truly enjoyed from episode 1 back then when i used to watch it on Channel 7. It was sucha good series and it kinda made me fully sad when i realised it was an end after like 8 long years of 8 seasons it had come to an end. Happiness on another hand as i shared a few laughs in the finale especially when turk and jd were hugging and jd appeared behind dr cox when he was saying his fully deep speech. It was an overall a typical scrubs episode. But in reality for a series finale it really disappointed me how it ended with jd just driving away in his car and just not really doing anything deep. I always pictured scrubs ending on a very high note but this finale didnt hit it. I remember me and garmon always pictured the season finale with Dr. Cox dying or something like that. But it ended with J.D just looking at a projector imagining what his future would be like. In a way it was a good effect but it disappointed me how it ended. But its over now and im glad i was able to watch it entirely season 1 to season 8 i kept being a true scrubs fan. =]

I realised alot and thought alot during that episode as well when J.D started talking with his inner monologue just made me think about what he was going through and how you can relate to it. Just how things happen for a reason and jsut cause things dont come up to your expectations that you shouldnt really put yourself down or feel shit about it. It just matters that your able to even put a smile on someones face or jsut make someone feel better. Small Things like those are the things that matter the most and the people that you meet in your life, its lucky that you have them, and for the record if i havent said it enough im really lucky to be close to the friends that ive gotten know and im really glad i got to meet them and befriend them. Im truly lucky and i thank you guys for that, putting up with all my shit and just letting me able to be myself and i hope ive been able to touch you guys in someway with a small gesture or just made you smile or laugh. but yeah it sounds all abit cheesy and homo but scrubs, jd's monologue so deep and made me think. Love you all <3

Also thought about the future, the future is all up to you, up to you on how you make it , you have control on it and how you want it to be, just dont drift out too far away from reality and things will be fine =]

i realised even more that i am J.D and Garmon is turk just guy love and bromance to the max. and i tend to hug garmon mega gayly like jd did and slap him on the ass.

i dont know what else to say. this scrubs episode just put me in deep contemplation and i reckon itll take a while for me to sleep. but yeah

anyways im off

laters =]

All The Small Things

As i catch the same train for 3 days every week to uni i realise a lot of things. i tend to think alot and drift out of reality when i listen to music and often when i close my eyes even for a second i tend to sleep the whole train ride and wake up right before my stop. its kinda freaky but yeah i tend to do that. I also tend to just start outside the window and watch as i go past all these buildings. Thats what i basically do on train rides to uni a good 1 and a half hours of thinking as well. Often i see couples on the train. often all smiling and happy and stuff sometimes when i see this i kinda get sad, i ponder of all the oppurtunities that i missed and stuff like that time on the train, i saw a mega cool looking girl get on my train to parra, as soon as i did being the shy sucka i am i txted garmon to ask what i should do he told me this and that and yeah i went in confidently on the train to do it but to my disappointment i got cbed by some other girl who sat next to her, i really should of talked to her on the platform but im too much of a shy sucka. Lonely times these days i kinda wish someone would come along randomly like all those movies and series and people would suggest so. But that girl hasnt come along yet. hopefully soon but yeah.

I sometimes think what i would want in a girl and to be honest id want a girl who does all the " small things" that appreciates that you do small things for her and and she would do the same back, like suprising you with something sweet or like just yeah, also someone fun who would be up for anything and just generally cool to hang out with or get along with. all those small things like just calling you up or just initiating and being real talkative are what make me smile the most and just make me generally happy , you dont want a girl who just like doesnt talk and waits for you to do everything and initiate stuff, its kinda annoying but yeah. But i dunno those girls are hard to find. You kinda dont want a clingy girl but just a normal girl. Like Haruhi for example. shes the bomb.

i dont even know why im posting about this. probably coz im pretty lonely and cold and i need a hug. Also bored but yeah
anywyas im off

laters.

Live Your Life/ HARUHISM/ Happy Mothers Day

This weekend was a pretty hectic one and it was a weekend i needed where i could just chill out and have fun, after all i finished all my assignments and stuff and im basically free till the final exams so yeah good shiz. I went clubbing at Havanna this weekend and it was pretty alright since my first clubbing experience at space was pretty alright. i guess it was mostly alright coz there were alot of people who i knew were there. But yeah it was good times hanging with richard and james and chris. Even though there were alot of fuckers there i just managed to get past it and just have fun. Though one moment when someone was pointing at me telling her boyfriend some shit when i was looking right at her really pissed me off. She's gonna get fucked over soon. Shits gonna go down coz that shit just pissed me off, you dont just point at someone while theyre looking straight at you, thats damn right disrepsectful as chris would say and rude as richard said. so yeah fuck that bitch. shits gonna go down. But anyways ^^ after clubbing we just sucked around had a good chill out convo session with richard chris and james and yeah. i got home around 6 the next morning and slept till 4 ish i think. Then i had another all nighter night where i went philips restaurant for some poker. Pretty good as well, Thanks a heap matt for giving me a lift to philips restaurant and a lift back home, really appreciate it man lets hang again soon =D but yeah i think im up like $25 from philips restaurant after winning twice. i had $15 in my wallet when i came got $40 when i left so im up $15 i think but yeah. Pretty funny just chilling there was a random white guy there who just kept saying funny shit but yeah. After getting a lift home from matt i got home at around 4:30 and my mum was awake luckily and yeah i couldnt get to sleep for like a hour coz i was just thinking about random stuff and i was watching the melancholy of haruhi ( more on that later ) i kinda wanted to party more, i wish someone held like a house party coz those are the shit but yeah i ended up sleeping at 5:30 and waking up at around 2. Overall it was a good weekend ill probably do it next weekend cause thatd probably be my last time since finals and ill prob just do hardcore study after that and yeah =]

Gettting onto the 2nd part of my post title "HARUHISM". farr man haruhi is the best evahhhhhhh LOl after watching it again last night like a few eps i came to the conclusion if i ever met a girl who either looked like haruhi or had the same kinda personality like her id chase that girl unti i got her coz seriously haruhi is the best. i came to realise i am kyon since i look like him and i have the same haircut atm. Man im the best. sucked in garmon i have more of a chance to get a haruhi since i look like kyon ^^ dehehe but yeah fark haruhi...... My hairs pretty long now, i wanna grow it long to get a hijikata then after that i might shave it to get a Von Wafer cut which is a mohawk kinda thing. It might look fucker but ill hafto do it. far... haruhi...perfect chick! farrr

anyways thats it for this post


Happy Mothers Day <3

Laters.

ps. at havanna i saw this pretty good looking chick. she looked filo. apparently her name was leah de la cruz. pretty hawt name if i think about it. but yeah hopefully i see her around soon...

Near Death Experiences

No, i did not have a near death experience but after watching how i met your mother, and referring back to all those movies i kinda wondered what it would be like before you died. Like would the moments of your life flash before your eyes or do you just die flat out. I was watching how i met your mother just then and Ted, (the main character) was involved in near death experience where he was in a taxi and an oncoming car was coming and hit , luckily though he escaped without any scratches or anything. Then at the hospital he explained how it was when the car was about to hit that not only did his life flash before his eyes but also the people he loved. i dont know if what i said made sense but it kinda makes me wonder what would flash before my eyes. i've only probably ever had one near death experience where i had my ipod on and i walked the lights when it was clearly go and cars were coming i looked to my left and saw a red car just speed up i quickly ran to the other side while hearing the beeping of that car, i guess it wasnt near death experience coz i didnt get hit but yeah. There are too many moments in my life that i look back and just smile and just remember how good it felt and i hope those are the moments that flash cause those moments just felt so good and were the best memories. And for the people i love you guys know who you are ;)

Anyways another end to a uni week which i feel relieved, nothing really else to do except a 1200 word essay due in 3 weeks which i will start next week and yeah these next few days im just gonna chill out and have a bit of fun. Uni as of late has kinda got me stressed but after getting through all the stuff i had to do its pretty funny how a week ago i was stressing over it. It feels good to be free.

Today i got the letter from Ctee that i was waiting for, it was a weird and random letter. But yeah thanks ctee=] I also tanked a Large big mac meal and a fillet o fish today. god damn that was so fattening. but i was worth it for that fulfilling taste.

Anyways its quite cold at the moment and my fingers and hands are feeling quite chilly so ill leave it at that.


laters.

Moving Day

i always wondered when i would move out of my house. not that i want to know but on the train ride this morning to uni i thought about it. im actually pretty cool with my parents now. so nothing really gives me an incentive to move out but i guess i kinda want the freedom and independence of moving out. Like sometimes i would spend endless hours in a week by myself at home with my mum and sister always out shopping and dad at work in the arvo and night, those times are the most pleasant because they are all too myself and it makes me wonder how it would be when i move out. I would like to kinda move into some apartment in the city. Just for th convenience of the location, with everything there theres no need to like travel extreme distances by car to get food when you can just walk down from your apartment to a fast food place, restaurant or maybe just go to some asian groceries and get noodles. This life might be expensive but if i get a couple of people together then itd be alright. Plus i dont look forward to move out in the the next few years. Unless i get a good paying part time job which i doubt but yeah. I remember talking back then in business to like jeffrey and david about wanting to move out after hsc. David had a place in petersham above his parents restaurant but yeah. that original 4 was me jackee david and jeff who were gonna move out. But we all took different paths, which is alright coz we still see eachother and stuff but yeah. On the train today i thought about people who i would want to live with. there were like two definite people who i would want to move out with and like alot of maybes. the two people were Garmon And Richard. They are like my best friends out of all my friends and i reckon itd be pretty cool with either one of them and if i was really lucky like move in with both of them. that d be a pretty good threesome ( that sounded gay) but yeah itd be cool living with those two suckas. the other few people who i considered were my good friends like alias, jackee, james and yeah. i dont even know why im thinking about all this but i guess long train rides to uni give me alot of things to think about.

on another note, im kinda looking forward to friday, not because of like clubbing but getting to hang with people and see them again also for poker. ive got the poker hunger back and yeah i want to win that $200 hopefully. i can feel friday will be good but yeah cant wait till uni's over 2mr. its gonna be a hectic weekened as well so yeah . good times hopefully =]

anyways im off to sleep

laters.

Hurt Me Soul

i feel so bad. i totalled my mailbox and made the water pipe burst on the way home while driving the car. i turned too quickly and accelerated by accident. ffs i feel so bad. now we hafta get it fixed and theres no water atm coz we had to turn it off to stop the leakage. i feel so bad its like i fked up so hard. just this fully depressing sad feeling in my chest and just on my mind. from what i overheard from my parents they said its gonna cost quite a lot. makes me even more depressed and just fucked up. i think imma get a job to be able to help with this stuff and also to stop relying on my parents. fuck.....

anyways before that day was alright went to hursti to get group assignment done. thought it would take ages but acutally took like 1 hour. so feels good to get that over and done with. after that went city to see the guys after theyre acounting exam. met them at norita and saw a familiar face which i didnt really wanna see but i gave a slight wave and hi to her. kinda random and made me feel kinda shitty but anyways after norita we spent like 20mins oustide figuring out what to do. ended up going to market city to see david work and go galaxy world and play daytona after that everyone left and me leith waited for david to finish work at 5. when david came jsut bummed around went maccas ate then went to garmons workplace at 6 and just waited for him to finish. then journeyed to wembleys to see victor sean and stuff. then chris came outta the bathroom randomly. wembleys was quite full so we decided to walk all the way to beyond and play cod4. i did pretty shittly in cod4 coz i was too stoned and i needed a mouse pad. also coz those fuckers were pro. anyways when david left we played zombies. fken crazy shit. got to like lvl 20. i was mega unlucky didnt get a ray gun after like 20 times randoming. mega sad. then after cod we went to kfc ate some good chicken thenwent to timezone and watched chris and garmon play guitar hero. preh good shit then that guy who was dancing there last time with the crazy jump moves was there and we watched and after a while i made a call " you suck" after he failed at some moves and we all left to go home. pretty epic day i must admit. very eventful.

then got home fucked up then yeah. though i rofled alot at chris' facebook quiz. made me feel a bit better. though i hate when your teling someone abt your problems and they just kinda be like "itll be okay" or " bl" then you try to talk abt it some more and they just go onto another topic. it kinda pisses me off and cuts me. coz it jsut seems like theyre not listening but yeah.

i missed another oppurtunity. fken failz.


anyways im out

laters.

McBesney

today was a pretty random day. woke up at 9:30 to get to uni left the house at like 10:30 got to uni at 12 had an eco tute for a hour then left at 1 and bussed it to the city . it was a pretty interesting trip me and femo in awe at the sites and arguing how the bridges were made like if people were underwater doing that stuff. but yeah pretty random. after that we got off at city and walked to garmons workplace. he was still working so me and frank decided to go market city we bumped into margaret randomly then went up upstairs to eat. margaret then came back. preh random me and frank think she dresses like a primary school kid and yeah anyways after that did some random shit. frank hadto go home coz of his mum and we saw bond and betty. me and frank think betty is pretty but something abt her is weird. like i dunno its weird. anywyas after that time passed it wsa around 6 so iwent garmons shop and helped him with work. then finished around 6:45 then walked to darling harbour maccas, hand in hand nah jks just walked like suckas and talked and yeah got there and sat and watched besney work. the bes files. took some videos then decided to eat and order some fillet o fish meals. thanks garmon for lending me $2 but then yeah besney was on her break and hung with her a bit. she looked primary school ish but yeah. me and garmon and her shared a few laughs with random jokes t hen yeah. after that she went back to work and garmon got some ice cream and licked and suckd it like a dick then we said our goodbyes to besney. then walked to central. had mad convos abt leith scenarios and just life. pretty fun times hanging with garmon as usual. i love that sucka.

anywyas pretty shit post but my hnds are cold so ill end it here.

laters.

Think Different

it is quite cold these days. i remember yesterday was fucken freezing and tonight its quite the same. anyways not much has been happening though i woke up early in an effort to do work. woke up at like 10am to do work i ended up doing work at like 5pm in the arvo and finishing at around 7 so pretty fail. im so lazy. maybe even more lazy than lazy. i should fix that up. i keep saying that but i never end up doing so. its kinda fail but yeah. in the next few weeks ill fix it up. i realised that i have a lot to do before my finals to be able to get a good credit average or distinction average needta game up like i keep saying to myself. i remember thinking alot on the train yesterday to uni. pretty random all these thoughts came up. i was gonna blog about them but i forgot them all but they were pretty meaningful at the time. but yeah.

yesterday was pretty random. i was on my way home from uni and richard txted me " wanna bum at city for a while" at first i was reluctant i was even on my train then richards like " ill shout you dinner" and obviously being the cheap asian i am i couldnt turn it down so i got off walked to town hall maccas sat there for a while. had to wait a bit for richard to come so i did accounting hw. which was good coz i ended up finishing it before he came so i dont hafta worry about it on the weekend. then he came and we walked to easyway to see jeffrey. then philip and erwin were there. pretty random but yeah. walked to darling harbour to see besney work at maccas pretty random then philip left and me and rich bought kfc. we sat right infront of maccas watching besney work and taking photos it was pretty random. but also funny. then after that walked to easyway got some free jelly and drink then went home. pretty random night at out but it was alright .

this blog post lacked something and im kinda feeling it now. wonder what it is.

anyways till next time

laters.

The Build Up

i can feel it, the feeling of stress that is going to overcome me in the next two weeks. with all this shit due im kinda just wtf that i wasted my holidays just sleeping the whole day and on facebook whole arvo and night. although i got to hang out with people and catch up somewhat, make great new friends kinda has a sour feeling on it now that its the end of holidays and that i have uni 2mr. sucks =( though imma skip accounting lecture 2mr and get to uni at like 12 so i get that extra hour of sleep. but yeah overall on that list i blogged earlier, i would say i did two of those things, one of them being hanging with garmon but not really properly =( and going burwood for poker. sigh didnt get to catch up on uni work these holidays like i kinda hoped for. fuck next few weeks are gonna be bummer. i kinda wish i could sleep all day and just bludge but the work doesnt work that way. i feel stress coming on. in about a weeks time i have some massive group poster due which i havent even started and i said id do in the holidays. FML. need to step up the game in the next week. luckily though today i finished off my BAS assignment which is due tuesday so less pressure off me for 2mr and tuesday. just gotta finish off my marketing portfolio and ill be done. but yeah sigh.

anyways aside from that now that unis starting imma start sleeping earlier like i used to and just generally be healthier like not skip breakfast like i did these holidays where i just slept through it. i somewhat feel sad though that holidays are over. or generally just sad coz i have shit on my mind again. all pointing back to uni. that damned thing.
hopefully things end up well and in a weeks time ill be blogging about how good things are.

anyways im off for now.

laters.

Yeung And Dangerous

Last night was johnnys hotel birthday thing. although it wasnt the greatest of parties it was okay. just a chance to chillax and catch up with old techs. pretty random night though. i would of rather have it been the night before where i hung out with garmon bill chris and richard. those times are probably the funnest of my week just hanging with those dudes. but yeah anyways johnnys party was like average. mostly guys it was kinda dickfest but yeah old techs made it funnier. i got to the city at around 6:30 and waited around for garmon chris and ware. we went off to get kfc and then just go to timezone and watch chris and garmon play guitar fucker i mean *hero nehehe they played helicopter pretty hiliarous. while we were there me and ware saw this crazy asian guy ( who looked like garmon abd possibly was garmons other shitter twin) dancing DDR. he was like doing all these random arm moves and using both DDR arrow things. prety crazy but yeah pretty overall. he kept posing and shit pretty sucka. in the midst of all this we heard a " FUCKKKKKKKKK" in a familiar voice it ended up being froggy playing tekken and being pissed off after being one punch away from defeating azazel. we hanged with froggy for a bit and watched him and garmon play tekken. once garmon was epicly defeated frogggy continued the game and while me chris garmon and ware watched in awe in his skills he got to azazel. and after a few oh ahh froggy won and yelled out in truimph. pretty gold moment but yeah. anywyas after that we walked to the meriton and were greated and taken in by johnny. got in and saw old people. saw alias there pretty sucka and yeah. good times. just sat and chat. alice was there too. kinda random but yeah. caught up with her kinda. as the night progressed and as chris and garmon left hte party kinda became boring. i was having a good convo with andrew and alias. good times just learning abt "stuff" =p but yeah. anyways the night progressed and when froggy came back from being with his dai lo we just did random shit. bruce simon dy johnny went to some bar and got drunk and ca e back then froggy did. me froggy ware and bruce were doing yeung and dangerous and just scaring henry when he was coming out to shit. pretyt epic. then we listend to davids mad stories about gangsters. in a way it kinda inspired me , like not to be a gangster but juts interests me how that stuff works. but yeah good times listening to davids young and dangerous type stories. after that did nothing much. it was around like 6:30 when me bruce and ware decided to leave but before we left we decided to annoy jaxon. we just got the subwoofers and but them in his ear while dancing to different rap tunes like " still dre" and tunes like same girl and just like me. pretty epic. then we left got maccas and went home.

i got home at around 8 in the morning today. pretty random but yeah slept till around 4 and just been sucking around on the comp since then. apparently richards drunk atm so its gold talking to him.

i got some work to do on the weekend then uni =( sad times.

anwyays till next time

laters.

Happy Brithday Ginchan

happy birthday my ginchan fucker. nehehe nah love you lots. yesterday was garmons birthday. pretty good times. i left my house at around 4ish to catch a train to city to meet up with garmon chris bill lease and garmons uni friends. met up with them at beyond and watched them play some zombie game. then at around 5:30 went to townhall outside footlocker and met up with everyone. i cbb naming names but yeah eventually we got to the brazillian restaurant charusco i think it was called and sat down and ate. it was quite a good restaurant as it was all you can eat and they came around with meat and you just chose if you want it or not. pretty good stuff. so thanks garmon for shouting me that ^^ but yeah pretty fun times eating and playing chinese whispers and coming up with stuff like " bills liek a black hole nobody needs it" or something liek dat good times but yeah after that we walked to live karaoke and just sang that shit up. then went wembleys after and played pool. overall i had some fun times and i kinda needed a day like this to relax ive been annoyed as of late prob coz just tired and stuff and needed a day off and yeah =] luckily im on holidays now, but i kinda have alot of stuff to do ill make a list now

• hang out with garmon at least once these holidays just chill at his house or him going mine.
• go richards house to meet his family LOL
• christine coming over?
• hang with sarah once
• chillout with cpee =]
• maybe go poker at burwood
• accounting assignment
• marketing poster
• 3 accouting homework stuff
• generally just catch up with uni

its gonna be pretyt packed but hopefully i can get most of this shit done and yeah just generally have a good holiday from uni for a week.

anyways im kinda like not thikning straight and this blog seems kinda fail so just want to shout out to garmon. thanks again for today. glad we're best friends dunno where id be without you, my life would suck without you =]. love you always mang <3 hope you love your present and happy birthday once again <333


laters.

ps. there are like a couple of songs id like to mention
i particularly like the mv for the first one

Asian KungFu Generation - After Dark

Aqua Timez - ALONEZ

Hearts Grow - Kasanaru Kage

i realised theyre all Jap songs.
god im so asian ^___^v

TSFAIL

yeah tsa was pretty fail for me. i dont know why but i just didnt fit in. it wasnt my scene and maybe i just wasnt up for a whole cruise thing yesterday. i kinda just wanted to chillax or sleep or stay home and happily talk to people on msn. its kinda lame i guess but i needed some chillout thing and tsa was definetely NOT one.

first of all, there were too many tryhard kunts who kept looking at us while we dressed up as nerds. it mega pissed me off to hear comments like " look at that faggot" and shit like that as we were walking through. it annoyed the hell outta me. 2nd the 1st level of the boat stank like shit. just ruined the mood. 3rd i wasnt up for it. wasnt really up for anything and the constant complaints of people pissed me off too. " we shouldve gone bsoc" etc. i dunno i just got ticked off that night. and with people dragging us to places after wards it really pissed me off " lets go here everyones gonna be there" we went space after choosing not to go to havanna. whoever said "lets go space everyones gonna b there" no one was there. i wasted lik $15 on that shit. then yeah randomly walking around was pretty shit. end of the night was alright. talking to kenny richard and matthew(random guy) abt stuff really made the night okay.
and yeah got home at 6 woke up at 10 and went apple picking. it was alright but yeah

i realised alot abt myself last night. ive become a cautious guy when it comes to meeting people. ive become less outgoing and more shy and i guess its making me kinda an unapproachable person at times. maybe its coz i find it hard trusting people now. who knows. but yeah i realised im like less party hardcore, youd usually see me getting a drink or two or just doing something funny, but last night it was just wtf. i dunno. i feel weird.

i kinda cbb blogging atm
too much shit on my mind

laters.

My Life Would Suck Without You

my life would suck without a lot of ppl.
esp garmon and richard
i love those suckas.
also chris lazy femo leith david jackee alias ware james and everyone else who i forgot to mention
i love you all

anyways nah i basically wrote this blog
coz kelly clarkson looks hot in that mv.

laters.

Saturday

Saturday.. was quite exciting :), even though i had an exam on the day it was still pretty fun. i woke up around 11 and just did some study then got a lift to hurstville and got on the train with frank to uni. and yeah just waited and did the test. overall it was a pretty straightforward test. like nothing too difficult. i rkn i did alright. well i hope i did. anyways after the test got a lift from julian to stratty then trained it to the city. called garmon up to see when he finished work, then visited jackee at work at readings and yeah basically just watched frank play maximum tune 3. then garmon came and we chilled. good times hanging with garmon seeing a guy who looked like roger and leith combined. it was mega lolz to the max. then yeah while frank was playing maximum tune 3 garmon adventured to morning glory coz he needed to buy a folder. found like a pink one. but he ended up getting a grey one. anywyas moving along after femo finished we just went to K squared karaoke to meet up with the twins and besney.
then yeah walked to central.

after some convincing i decided to catch the train with garmon and isaac to burwood and from there just catch a bus. the train ride was pretty homo. garmon kept touching me and shit. it was pretty gay LOL ;) but yeah then got to burwood. the next bus was like at 8:07. waited a long while. just talked about random stuff. good chillout times. but yeah the bus was late as it usually was but nonetheless i got on and bid farewell to gintoki and isaac. i got to campsie at around 8:30 and poker began. the first game was quite big and i lost due to stupidity and the way i played. i cnat play properly with that many people but yeah it was a funny game though. roger raged coz he got owned. we found that funny and yeah richard and me decided tht roger was phil hellmuth coz of his poker raging abilities but yeah. after that game was done. we played another game. and i won that game and i split pot with bruce. that was a much btter game i played fully good and yeah i made a profit of like $30.
we played one more game after that. i playd alright but came like 4th. richard and james split pot but yeah that game was fun as well. anyways after it we packed up and jsut went home.

richard decided to come and sleep over at mine. it was pretty gold. we were actually considering walking from campsie to padstow. pretty gold but yeah decided not too and ended up just nightriding it to my house. i had a pretty good time with richard . just talking and stuff before catching the bus. we talked about all agendas and overall it was pretty good just hanging with him and yeah we just talked all the way throughout the night until we got to mine. got to mine at like 3 or something then yeah ate some pizza and just played facebook poker. me and him were pretty pumped for poker so it was pretty gold. then yeah after a while me and him just got tired and like caught some zzz's on the couch.

we woke up at around like 9 and just like did random stuff before he had to leave =( but yeah. we bought a scratchie on the way there and it was gold we nearly won like 2 k LOL but yeah. then i saw some asian girl and i dared richard to talk to her.. in the end he didnt but yeah. overall it was mega good times, just chilling and stuff it was pretty awesome.

but yeah anyways i dont think ill be going uni 2mr. imma stay home and just study and do my stuff and catchup. and i feel pretty much buggered from last night so yeah might just get a chance to get some sleep.

anyways this blog kinda feels weird i think im kinda mega tired

so yeah ill call it a post.

laters.

PS. SOZ LEAH FOR DOGGING! i was caught up with other things =/

Not Myself

I HATE not being able to be myself. it feels fully shit and right now im mega angry. i just cant do anything right. cant focus, not inspired, not motivated and i have like zero confidence in my ability atm.

i fucken hate it

Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club...

yeah i watched fightclub today and it kinda screwed over my head. my whole view is kinda weird now. well not really but that movie kinda got to me . just the whole plot of it and how it was played out in the end. but overall i really liked it.

just how the director portrayed people to be wasting lives and how he used brad pitt and edward norton to represent the whole nature of the split personality. also how it showed society is fucked up and how our lives our ruined by our daily lives and how we hafta experience near death experiences to make our lives reborn again. or some shit like that.

there were also alot of subliminal messages throughout the whole movie i remember in the start of the movie there were alot of scenes were you see brad pitt blurry and stuff. that kinda got me tripping but yeah it was a good movie. even though it was kinda sucked up but yeah i thoroughly enjoyed it.

anyways i didnt do much today cept do some marketing essay and just randomly sit on the comp. got a call from margaret and yeah i dunno . just talked..

then went out to city at 5 to meet up with lease garmon shale and chris. we wre gonna all go pool together but garmon had last minute plans with parents www.xmaelstrom.blogsome.com and it was sucked. ended up with me lease and chris going snooker. lease won and chris came 2nd. and i obviously came last. i kinda lost my passion for snooker and pool. my passion and confidence and overall inspiration has been like non existent lately.

but yeah after taht went maccas and ate. i feel so fatty ive eaten take out for the last 3 days. so kinda need to cut down. then after went home.

i realised today that a song that most applies to me is "dreaming with a broken heart"

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Dreaming-With-A-Broken-Heart-lyrics-John-Mayer/510F4E3DDFDFCFF3482571D900143418

that link there the lyrics and comments kinda got me all like "=/" and yeah
just read one of the comments

"I fell hard for this girl...I really started liking her right off the back. I never pursued her more than she did me, just so i can play it safe. well long story short out of the blue she came up to me and told me we should be just friends! I was hurt, but I tried to respect her wishes...but it was way too dificult knowing that something was once there...I chased her...and lost her! We're still friends, but it is so hard to think of it staying this was!"

that comment jsut kinda sums up how i kidna feel. or what im going through. or some shit like that but yea.


anyways im just call it quits here
till next time

laters.

These Walls

my mood hasnt really changed much to how it was yesterday
i slept pretty late last night like 2 or 3ish
and i woke up at like 7?

basically spent the whole day just kinda feeling this feeling of sadness
its kinda depressing. i just kinda seemed like cold or something. i hated that feeeling but yeah.

i went to go poker at around 5 met up with lazy richard and femo.
we ended up not getting in the cash prizes
but i guess it was alright.

after that went to the city and met up with garmon chris and leith. watched them cod 4 for a bit then after went with lazy and femo to get kfc.
ended up eating it outside galaxy world then after played some 2v1 dota.

then yeah went home. kinda looking back at that day it all seems weird to me. i have this feeling of just things not right.
sigh.

anyways imma be off to get some sleep

laters.

Your Heart Is An Empty Room

Today, was a pretty low day for me. i woke up today at like 9 to get to uni at around 12. left the house around 10. as i travelled all the way to parramatta i felt sort of weird. same feeling ive had for the past few days. everything seemed like it was slow. every song that came up just made me feel sad. but yeah got to uni. spent like a hour there listening to some guy talk about economics then left to city to visit m.

then yeah
from then on it just kinda went down and down. m just told me all this stuff. and when i just got the gist of it. my insides just felt shit and overall my feeling just went down. i was happy to see her but then my feeling all but went downhill.
i kinda walked off when she went to see nicole, i should of said a proper goodbye but i just felt so crushed.

i went off to find garmon at work and he wasnt there so i guessed he would be at ct hunta doing stuff and he was.
so yeah
just kinda did stuff and yeah did some work for him
before i knew it was 6:30 and we went to where he worked.
as i was sitting there i felt so shit. my heart felt like it was fully crushed and i had this full on feeling of shitness. i wanted to cry but tears wouldnt come out. thoughts kept running through my head of why how comes and all this. it just made me really depressed. i txtd her this but i dunno if she got it coz i got no reply. but yeah anyways. it was a apretty low point for me. its the lowest ive been in a while. and to be honest fuck i hated it...

anyways i walked with garmon to darling harbour starbucks and we bought some hot choc and then we went up to the highway and just sat thre for like a hour or so and just had a dnm. it was pretty good hanging with him. it made me think abt alot of stuff but overall it was good. i hadnt it done it for a while with him and it felt good just catching up and talking things out. but yeah andyways at around 7:30 ish we called it a night
and went home.

on the train home i felt more shit
but yeah

ive really got nothing much else to say
that thing that makes me "unique" or "special" is still missing.
i need to find it.
to be whole again.. ( how kinda cheesy)


laters

*title: Your Heart Is An Empty Room - Death Cab For Cutie

Missing Parts

i weird feeling has overcome me lately. started like two days ago while i was on the comp, just started thinking and stuff like "wtf am i doing on the comp, when i could be off doing some other productive thing" it was kinda weird coz richard alias and jackee all told me they had this weird similar feeling to me. anyways just yeah got through the day but just felt a part of me was missing. throughout the past two days ive felt like something isnt there. like the thing that makes me tick or makes me the best person i can be just kinda isnt there. its like when you put batteries in an alarm clock and it doesnt work. or when you shoot a basketball and it just rims out. ive been feeling weird. like not myself. just a piece of me is gone. its like kinda wtf atm. it feels weird coz i need taht thing to just let myself be like normal or fine. its weird but hopefully ill get over it. or itll pass in time.

anyways thats all i really needed to blog about just this weird feeling ive been having.
ill update soon and edit in days to come
till next time.

laters.

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl?
Are we just friends? Is there more? Is there more?

Losing Grip

"..Maybe I'm heading for a breakdown
And maybe that's ok
Could be I'm hanging on for dear life
Maybe I need to get a grip.."


ive been facing some inner demons lately..and last night at seans they kinda came out and i lost a grip on things. i regret somethings i did last night, like smoking for example.. i dunno why the fuck i did. but i promise myself i will not ever smoke again. fuck things last night were just so weird. i felt it throughout the start of the party till the end and just before karaoke jsut that feeling of emptiness. i snapped it last night at noritas for the first time in like 5 years or so. and itt was just wtf . im usually one of those guys who are patient but last night i just snapped and it was just sigh..
. i dunno if its depression or just me being emo. i think ive been holding too many things in this week and i just imploded last night and things jsut went off track....

anyways overall seans was an alright party. i thought max 20 ppl were gonna come coz i thought people mightve been wtf at the change of plans and it mightve been dodgyb ut yeah it was a good turnout. alot of random stuff happened like alias just doing random stuff and random comments on alvin. bruce ws pretty dead and yeah. after the party we headed over to norita then karaoke. karaoke was pretty good. alias was a mega tank karaoke guy rapping changes and all these eminem songs and keeping up. fullay good.
after that we just headed home. richard was gonna sleep over but ended up not coz of trackwork. i kinda wish he did. i wanted to have a DNM with someone. kinda wish someone did sleepover but yeah oh wells.. thers always next time..

alot of thoughts are clouding my mind atm so i might as well just blog about them
sorry tash if last night was weird. didnt mean to drag you all that way. you got to meet some people at least. like alias LOL but yeah soz. to me i feel tash is kinda like who i used to be a year back. thinking too much abtt pointless shit and yeah. i think of tash as a younger sister. no disrespect to my sis but i kinda wish i had like a sister same age as tash or maybe a year older. or maybe an older brother. i think id be really tight with them and i d be able to help them with stuff and yeah. if your reading this tash. you make me rect ;) LOLOL but yeah :)

2ndly. sorry margaret if i seemed cold to you. things are just weird. i dont know how to explain it in words but soon enough ill be able to talk to about it.. hopefully. when i saw her yesterday i was like yeah i had butterflies in my stomach. she looked beautiful. cant believe im actually saying this but yeah she did :)

lastly. sorry if i acted weird last night. i jst snapped and shit went down inside. so yeah soz garmon rich chris alias . whoever i let down sorry like srsly. im not gonna do that shit again. its not me. i just hafta pick myself up again and get back into the game. the game of life.

alot of songs kinda show or i kinda feel like i relate to atm
they are
nowhere to go - backstreet boys
crushed - rosette
crush - david archuleta
Whats changed - craig david
fill me in - craig david

theres a mega contrast in some of those songs but yeah.

anywys this blogpost has taken my ages to write dunno what ive been doing
and ive forgotten what imma blog abt more
so ill get back to it later

laters.